Visitors with Afterthoughts
by Revengent
Summary: After not attending Kutner's funeral, Taub visits Kutner's grave and wonders why things turned out the way they did. Post 5x20, Kutner/Taub friendship.


**I said I wasn't going to write a post-Kutner death fic, but I needed something to sort out my grief with. I got this idea after I read Taub's "note" to Kutner, and the fact that Taub didn't go to Kutner's funeral is really depressing. And I'm still really upset that Kutner's gone. *cries***

**So...review?**

**A/N: Oh, so apparently he was cremated on the show. Well, in my story he's not.**

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Taub was silent and stoic as he sat in the passenger seat as his wife drove along the road. She would occasionally look over, to check his expression and offer a somber smile, but every time she found that he was staring out the window, hardly looking at the scenery passing by, lost in his thoughts. Taub knew that Rachel kept glancing over at him – he could see her hidden worried expression that she hid behind a fake smile in the reflection of the passenger window next to him.

It was the day after Kutner's funeral. Taub was still emotionally numb from blocking out his death, then totally breaking down realizing that _Kutner wasn't coming back._ It had hit him yesterday after Charlotte was diagnosed, and in a quick, passing thought, Taub mused to himself that Kutner could have probably thought of it in time to save her. Then his mind countered with, _no, he couldn't, he's dead._ All the repressed sadness that he had been hiding from in the past few days flooded his mind at once, and bringing a hand to the side of his face and saying over and over in his mind, _he's gone. Kutner's dead._ And with that, in the middle of the hallway at the hospital, he slumped against the wall and slid onto a seat and allowed himself to lose control, and sobbed, not caring who saw him and letting go of his cold attitude.

Taub thought of how there would no longer be that fresh, energetic vibe to the team that Kutner had always brought with him, and how had he seemed to infect that energy to everyone he came in contact with. He thought of how they wouldn't have a "Professional Defibrillist" on the team anymore, and then his heart wrenched when he remembered that time when Kutner, in panic and desperation, had shocked the wet patient and ended up electrocuting himself, risking his own life. He could have died then, and nobody would have really cared, because they didn't know him then. He would have been the stupid, careless doctor that killed himself in an accident. But they would have been wrong, and Taub was glad that he had the time to know the difference.

"We're here," Rachel said softly, turning off the car's engine. Taub could hear her clothes rustle, and the window's reflection showed that she was facing him with a grim smile, but he looked past her and stared into the vast cemetery. Discreetly wiping away a tear that was slowly running down his cheek, Taub opened the passenger door and stepped outside, looking around for some sign that would tell him where Kutner lay amongst all the other people. The wind blew around him, pressing his coat against his body and making leaves dance around on the ground, tumbling over and over until they hit something that would block them from moving on.

He felt someone's hand find his own, and he looked down to find Rachel's fingers intertwine with his own and give his hand a gentle squeeze. He knew she was trying to be understanding and supportive, but she didn't know. She never met Kutner, she didn't lose anybody. But he was glad that she agreed to come here with him. He felt that he needed to come here since he had missed Kutner's funeral; he needed to say goodbye, and in the back of his mind a nagging voice said that it wouldn't make up for missing his funeral. That he knew, and he regretted it.

Walking hand in hand with Rachel, Taub tried to remember that last thing he had said to Kutner. He couldn't remember. Maybe if he had offered to take Kutner out for drinks, or invite him over for dinner, or thank him again for saving his job by letting him steal his clever diagnosis, or maybe if he just said a simple, heartfelt "good job Kutner", Thirteen and Foreman would have never found Kutner laying dead in his apartment and would not have came back to the hospital traumatized and clothes stained with Kutner's blood.

It bothered Taub that he couldn't remember the last thing he had said to him.

Stopping abruptly, Taub glanced down at the ground to see a freshly dug grave, headed with a tombstone with the epitaph "Lawrence Kutner, born 1975 lain to rest 2009. Your lively spirit will be missed by all", with a picture of Kutner, smiling, like Taub had always known him.

He felt his breath catch in his throat seeing the image the memorandum, realization slapping him in the face again reminding him that this was real.

Taub gave Rachel a sideways glance and without any words she understood that he wanted to be alone. She kissed him lightly on his cheek then gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze and turned and strolled away, glancing at the other places that marked where people that were lifeless in the ground.

Taub stared bitterly at Kutner's grave, not really sure what to feel. He thought that coming here would ease the pain that he felt, but he felt no relief rise from his chest, so he continued to read Kutner's life span repetitively.

Feeling his eyes sting, Taub looked away from the ground and bit his bottom lip to try and keep it from quivering. Kutner always wanted to be his friend, always trying to intervene in his life. Taub had just brushed it off as his enthusiastic attitude, but was that his desperate cry for help?

"Kutner…" Taub shook his head. "I don't know what to say…I don't want to say anything really," Taub admitted, looked down at the ground. "I'm pissed off. Why didn't you talk to me? You always wanted to talk to me about everything else, so why not this? I…"

Taub's voice broke, and he glanced over his shoulder to see Rachel a good distance away, mulling over the graves of other people. Blinking back tears, he directed his gaze back to Kutner, and sheepishly looked down at his own feet.

"Listen, I don't know if you can really hear me, but if you can…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for ignoring you at times, I'm sorry for stealing your diagnosis and I'm sorry that I didn't realize you were…" Taub closed his eyes, not able to say the words. "I should've known."

Tears began to spill out of his eyes and run down his cheeks, emotions gnawing at his insides.

"Why? How can you have been so stupid and selfish to do this?" he spat. "You know what I went through, my experience with suicide." He took a deep breath, and said softer, "You knew it was me that tried to kill myself. I could have helped you. We could have helped you. You would have seen that it would have been okay. Whatever you were going through would have gotten better, I promise. It always gets better."

Taub sighed and looked at the picture of Kutner. If Kutner was here, he would be arguing with Taub, trying to prove the surgeon wrong, and then he would laugh it off and suggest that they better get to work before House got mad for them being late.

"What was wrong?" he wondered aloud quietly, wishing that Kutner would answer.

He wondered how much about Kutner he didn't know. Kutner always seemed so open and the most level headed out of everyone. How long did Kutner have to hide the pain to learn how to fool everyone into thinking that he had none?

"Idiot," Taub muttered. And instead of saying something back, the picture of Kutner just continued to smile and stare ahead, almost as he did in real life. Cover everything with a smile.

"I miss you," Taub whispered. "More than you would ever realize."

"Taub?"

He turned around, to see Thirteen standing a few feet away from him, her hair whipping around her face from the wind and her arms crossed, wrapping her black coat tight around her blocking out the cold. Taub quickly looked away and ran his hands over his face, wiping the traces away that showed his grief.

Thirteen was silent as she walked up and stood next to Taub. Thirteen rocked back and forth on her toes, and stole a glance at Taub. Even though he erased the trace of tears, his eyes were still that sensitive red that you only got after many tears and his overall expression was the expression of a person that was in pain.

"I'm glad to see you here," Thirteen said quietly. "Why didn't you come to the-"

"I didn't want to."

"Oh." Thirteen didn't push the topic any further.

"Where's Foreman?"

"Home. I wanted to come alone." Thirteen looked down at her hands, fidgeting. "Taub?"

"What?"

"Back…when Amber died, Kutner told me about his parent's murder. He seemed okay." She paused, trying to find the right words. "Do you think that maybe if-"

"No."

Thirteen nodded and tears began to brim in her eyelids. "I just wish…I just wish I knew. He could have told me…I thought we had time…"

Taub looked over at the younger doctor who was struggling to maintain her composure. He realized that this was hard on her too, and that she lived everyday with death looming over her and that for someone like Kutner who was young like her to die so suddenly, must remind her of her own fate. Taub realized that she going through was he was, and instead of keeping it to himself until it became deadly, he decided to share.

Placing a hand on Thirteen's shaking shoulder, he said, "I know. We all wish we knew."

Taking Taub by surprise, Thirteen threw her arms around Taub's neck and buried her face in his shoulder, sobbing uncontrollably. Not sure what to do, Taub glanced over at Rachel who was looking on at the scene, encouraging him to console his crying colleague. So Taub wrapped his arms around Thirteen, pulling her into a hug and patted her back as her body shook with sobs. He bit his lip as he felt that all too familiar feeling nip at his eyes and his face become wet with tears. The three new fellows were down to two.

After a few minutes, Thirteen pulled herself away from Taub, slightly embarrassed. "Sorry, I…um…"

"It's fine." Taub looked over at Kutner's final resting place.

"Until next time," he whispered. Taub walked away backwards, and then turned around, going over to Rachel and giving Thirteen some privacy.

Taub stole a glance of Thirteen, who was talking over Kutner's grave and Taub wondered what she could be saying. He wondered how much he didn't know about Thirteen.

Rachel made a move to hug Taub, and for the first time since Kutner's death, he let her. Shutting his eyes and breathing in a mix of Rachel's shampoo and grass, he clung to the things in life that he still had.

"Hey."

Taub opened his eyes and looked over his wife's shoulder to see Thirteen standing near. "I was wondering if you two wanted to go out for a drink or something?"

Taub let go of his wife, looking over to the other doctor. "Sure. Rachel?"

She nodded.

--

The three stopped at a place a few miles away from the cemetery. They were still somber and their eyes were still sore from crying, but they were trying to remember better times, times before when Kutner was gone. It was easier than they thought after they got over the mindset that they were not allowed to have happy thoughts in this time of pain.

Thirteen and Taub told Rachel all the insane stories that happened at work during the short, too short time that they knew Kutner. They told her how House assigned them all numbers and when Kutner was fired as number six, he came back as number nine, thinking that turning the sign upside down would fool House. ("Well, it worked," Rachel said.) Thirteen told the story about when they went to go dig up a grave, and how Kutner was the one that had done most of the digging, and then Thirteen and Rachel teased Taub about how he didn't help because he didn't want to mess up his precious hands.

Taub explained about the time when Kutner set up the online medical health clinic under House's name and Taub ended up participating too, and how House tricked them with that crazy woman who they thought they had accidently killed and then came back to life and how they had jumped and grabbed each other in shock, then quickly let go afterward, because it was weird. He told how Kutner had gotten into the habit like House; Kutner would stand in the cafeteria line with Taub and then make Taub pay for his lunch too. Then Thirteen commented how they were like House and Wilson, and at first they laughed, but then their faces fell, realizing now that Taub longer had that friend that was an odd match, but was a friend nonetheless.

They told Rachel about Kutner's crazy, but brilliant ideas. Thirteen brought up the topic of how he always wore stripped shirts, and Taub felt like he should have picked up on that bit about Kutner before, but then the women comforted him, saying that guys don't notice stuff like that. They told her about Kutner's dedication, of course followed by the story about the time when he set fire to a patient, and Rachel laughed, asking her husband why he didn't tell her any of these things before, and that she would have liked to have met him. Taub wondered why he didn't also. She would have liked him.

The three reminisced over their loss, and with it more pain was brought up because they were remembering what they were going to miss, but the past was all they had left and they wanted to keep that piece of Kutner with them forever, not wanting for it to fade away.

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**Thanks for reading...so tell me what you thought ;) Thanks!**

**Kutner, RIP. You will be missed ):**


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